The Great Fruit Fly Invasion of 2005
It all started innocently enough; I had some tiny tomatoes from the bounty of Sam and Janna's Louisville garden sitting in the kitchen. Since we moved I've been "cooking" mostly frozen pizza or pasta, and, despite my best intentions, most of our fresh produce meets a soft, mushy, or moldy ending before being tossed. Such was the case with the Louisville tomatoes. Except, this time, due Chicago's spate of spectacular weather, the windows were open. Enter the fruit flies.
A week has passed....
Of course, the tiny tomatoes are gone by now. But the pesty flies are not.
Dear God, how do I get rid of these fuckers? Here's the thing: my house is not clean enough to be unappealing to a fruit fly. It's true that they are no longer lured by the stinky siren song of the tomatoes, but now they have the hanging plant, the orange peel that I left out after lunch, and the garbage. The GARBAGE, for God's sake. We will always have garbage, so does that mean we'll always have fruit flies?
This reminds me of the story of...
The World's Cleanest Garbage.
This story is true. I witnessed it with my own eyes.
In my grandmother's trash can, you will not really find trash. You will find folded paper and boxes. You won't find any aluminum foil in the trash can because it is in the pantry, washed and folded for its second, or fifth, use. The same goes for ziplock bags. Most amazingly, you won't find any food scraps. No banana or potato peels, no bell pepper seeds, no apple cores. Where are these remnants of former fruit and vegetable glory, you ask? In the refrigerator, of course. That's right, they go in a bag back in the fridge from whence they came, all to prevent stinky garbage.
This method also works to prevent fruit flies.
If you want to behold this awesome sight for yourself, you'll have to travel to Southern Illinois to my grandmother's modest home. She'll gladly give you the world's cleanest garbage tour.
Please note that I love my grandmother dearly. After living with her and her regimented garbage system for two years, I feel I've earned the right to poke fun a little.
This is in direct contrast to Dow Jones, who feels he has the right to make fun of fat people, even though he's never been anything close to fat himself.