6.27.2006

So, the nursing has improved. Not as painful as before. I'm also feeling a lot more confident that he is getting enough, which encourages me to keep going. I'm a breastfeeding mama. Hurrah!

My hormones, and perhaps lack of sleep, are making me an emotional mess. For the first few days I woke up, showered, and put on a dab of eye makeup just like I always have. Now I'm skipping the makeup because it's all cried off by mid-morning anyway. I cry sometimes just looking at Theo and marveling at his beauty. Other times I watch Nate and Simon playing and I well up, first because it's so sweet to watch them play and then because I can't join in. I am feeling a little isolated, as my only two activities are nursing and sleeping. I miss my boys even though I see them all the time. Simon especially. I feel like I am seeing him from a distance. I can't get as close as I want to, and it's tearing up my hormone-ridden heart. Other things that make me cry: trying to decide between conflicting advice in parenting books, watching Simon give Theo sweet little kisses, and the last 10 minutes of Grey's Anatomy, even though I 've never seen the show before and had no previous attachment to the characters.

I am really thankful to have a handful of friends who have recently had babies and can give me advice and reassurance. I didn't really have that last time. Abbie, Angela, Janna, and even my sister are helping me out immensely. What they might think are a few quick typed words are becoming the bread of life to me. I know it's my second time and all, but I can't remember ever feeling so unsure of myself. So it helps to get encouragement/ideas from other mommies. Janna shed some light on my hormonal situation: "I cried and cried too. Maybe with Simon your hormones weren't in the same place that they got to this time. This time they got ramped up enough to orchestrate labor and that's pretty damn ramped up." That totally makes sense, but I never would've figured that out myself.

Today Simon gets to go to the aquarium with Grandma Debbie. I have to admit, I'm jealous. But I'm glad he's getting special attention. He's been through a lot too.

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