1.22.2007

Currently Occupying my Grey Matter

The blogging has really slowed down, eh? I know, I know. My mental space is pretty fuzzy these days, trying to figure some things out, on top of being completely knackered all the time. Baby Theo sleeps like a champ (thank you, Dr. Weissbluth), but Simon is still doing some uncharacteristic night-waking. I have no idea how to deal with it. I'm not even sure he knows that he's waking up. Last night he came in at 4:15 am (the third time that night) and I decided it was time to get tough. I told him I could not get up to put him back to bed. "Go back to your room, climb into your bed, and pull up your lion blankie, Simon. Mommy can't get up. Go back to bed." After a few minutes of whining, he left. On a hunch, I got up a while later and went to check on him. There he was, 4:30 am, lights on and playing in his room. What the hell is going on? I want to feel certain that this is just a horrible phase, but my confidence fades with each night that my sleep is pillaged by the new habits of this kid. SO TIRED.

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Yesterday this baby hit the 7 month mark. He is beautiful, inquisitive, responsive, and so happy.
Despite having breastfed him exclusively for over 5 months, and continuing to nurse him as often as possible (read: as often as I can convince him to latch on), my milk is disappearing. Drying up. Going the way of the buffalo, etc etc.
Where did it go? I always thought that it was a simple equation: baby sucks, breasts produce milk. But, believe me, if that equation was mathematically true, I would have milk a-plenty. Instead I've got next to nothing.
My theory is that I lost too much weight. To me, my weight loss has felt painfully gradual, but maybe it wasn't gradual enough for my nursing body.
After trying and failing to breastfeed Simon, I feel grateful that Theo and I have had the success that we have. Still, I know I'm not ready to give up nursing him. I'm trying to decide if I can be satisfied nursing only once in the morning and once before bed, or if I should devote significant time and energy to getting my supply back up. The peanut gallery is open for thoughts from any current or former nursing mamas.


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With the renewal of my obsession with all things crafty, I'm finding it hard to know how to order my days, how to spend my time. Every day when Theo takes his morning nap, I debate how to spend the time. Should I exercise, spend some quality time with Simon, or get craft-tastic? This is part of why I rarely blog anymore. I'm busy trying to do do do. I feel pulled in 30 different directions at any given moment. I have too many goals, too many ideas for improving myself, my family, or my home. And I can never decide which is most important at the time.

Some good friends of ours recently decided to homeschool their son. I've been guilty of judging the homeschool community in the past, due to interactions with a handful of homeschooling families as I was growing up. But I know that this couple will do it differently. I know they'll do right by their little guy. He'll be fantastically smart and comfortable in his own skin. The thing I still can't fathom about homeschooling is the TIME. The dedication of every minute of every day to one's child. I love my boys. Seriously, sometimes I think my heart will come exploding out of my milkless chest with love for them. Still, I need breaks. And I look forward to school as The Big Break. When the boys are in school, I 'll have so much more time for myself, my interests, my body. Until then, I'll have to struggle to order my priorities, and that's what keeps my mind racing these days.

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So ends my rambling for this evening. Keep your fingers crossed for Simon's sleep tonight, would you?

3 comments:

Banana Mama said...

My milk started going down when I started losing weight too. I fell back on the basics when that happened. I tried to drink A LOT of water and I got myself some Traditional Medicinals Organic Mother's Milk tea. I think that lack of sleep is probably one thing that's really making it hard for your body to make milk. Maybe you need to devise a make-shift situation in which you'll all sleep more. Maybe you and Simon could go to bed at the same time early in the evening so that you've had a good chunk of sleep by 4. Maybe then Simon would feel like the whole house is really resting and not be curious to check on you. I have no idea. Good luck!

Colin Hughes Taylor said...

What a strange coincidence. . . last night I was awakened by Jay at 4:15, so I told him to go back to sleep.
And what happens? I walk in his room to check on him at five, and he's got the lights on, onesie pajamas on, and he's playing with his toy cars.
He's never done this before, so I'd have to say, with regards to Simon, that it's just a phase. Be glad that he's doing it now at age three rather than when he's 26 like Jay --- when they weigh 170 pounds it's much harder to pick them up and put them to bed.

And my God, that first picture of Theo looks just like you, it's uncanny!
Hope to see you guys sometime soon.

Megan said...

Although I will miss your blogs when they are less frequent, I support your crafting efforts.
Marty and I got your cookbooks the other day and can't wait to try some of the recipes! Thanks again!